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Posted by: HappyBuddha Tue, 20 Jul 2004 6:59 pm

Q: How can u spot a tough Lesbian Bar?

A: Even the pool tables don't have balls.

Posted by: HappyBuddha Mon, 02 Aug 2004 8:47 pm

Q: Why did Cleopatra take milk baths?

A: She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.

Posted by: HappyBuddha Mon, 16 Aug 2004 12:41 pm

Q: Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?

A: Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.

Posted by: Seacucumber Mon, 16 Aug 2004 9:44 pm

Q)Why do moths fly with their legs open?

A)Check out the size of moth balls.

Posted by: LASERGUY Tue, 17 Aug 2004 12:45 am

Q: what did the cock tells the balls ?

A: Hang around when I go in...

Posted by: CP Tue, 17 Aug 2004 1:07 pm

Why is it pathetic to be a cock?

You have a head but no brains
Two nuts follow you everywhere
Your neighbour is an asshole
Your best friend is a c__t
And because of AIDS,you have to cover yourself with rubber and vomit all over your face

Posted by: HappyBuddha Thu, 02 Sep 2004 5:11 pm

Q: What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A: Eveybody can roast beef.

Posted by: Seacucumber Thu, 02 Sep 2004 6:45 pm

SMLC!?!?!?

Posted by: HappyBuddha Thu, 02 Sep 2004 7:25 pm

Everybody can roast beef ...

... NOBODY can peeeeee soup.

Posted by: cktan Thu, 02 Sep 2004 9:47 pm

A TRUE JOKE OF LAST YEAR.

I hv spend most of the time looking at my fishes. Sitting in front of the tank and tub, sometimes for an hour and more.

My wife bua tahan me. One day,

She said: "Can u go and custom make a 9ft fish tank?"
I said: "Siao ah? Make such a big tank for what?"
She said: "I want to sleep in there so that u will spend more time looking at me"

Faint!

Posted by: Seacucumber Thu, 02 Sep 2004 11:18 pm

bring her to Geylang and show her which "fishtank" she like.....
hehehehehe

no offence.....just a joke...

Posted by: mountain Fri, 03 Sep 2004 11:25 pm

ta ma de ..... i had to read 3 times ...

Posted by: desireless Sat, 04 Sep 2004 12:49 am

Another way of looking at this:

Once she look at those "fish tanks" in Geylang, she will be SO GRATEFUL you're oogling at goldfishes at home and not "that type of fish"!

Posted by: HappyBuddha Sat, 04 Sep 2004 5:54 am

Grin.

Now you know why I don't like pea soup; it just doesn't sound right.

Same applies to Pooh Bear.

Posted by: HappyBuddha Mon, 13 Sep 2004 9:45 pm

Q: What are the worst 3 years of a blondes life?

A: The 1st grade.














===

And for our slower bro....

... coz she repeated primary 1 three times.

Posted by: HappyBuddha Thu, 07 Oct 2004 9:44 pm

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?

Diarrhoea!

Posted by: LASERGUY Wed, 27 Oct 2004 6:12 pm

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil
is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite
as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and
over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Posted by: desireless Thu, 28 Oct 2004 1:55 am

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,"I think he said: 'Holy Crap! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Posted by: CP Thu, 28 Oct 2004 2:00 pm

Father was showing a machine he invented to son.
Father said " Son, what do you think of my invention?".He took pig,put it in the machine and at the other end out came sausages.
Son said "Dad,this invention no good.You should invent one where you put in sausages and out comes a pig"
Father,fuming but kept his cool and said
"Son,this machine no need to invent.Exist already - your mom.I put in the sausage,you're the pig"

Posted by: top_view_ranchu Thu, 28 Oct 2004 2:42 pm

Willy was at this agricultural show. Came across this station that sell cow auto milking machine. Suddenly, a wicked thought came to his mind!
He immediately pay for one, and insisted on hand carrying although they provide delivery.
Rushed home quickly, can't wait to try on the machine.
Tore the box into pieces, and impatiently put his little Willy in......
Wow....that was the most unforgettable climax he ever had!
Then came the problem. He could not extract his Willy, no matter how he tried!
Out of dispair, he reached back for the box and found the manual.
Written clearly was....Auto release when reaches 2 gallons!

Posted by: Allan Mon, 13 Dec 2004 8:30 pm

Q: What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress after reading her name tag?

A: What did you name the other one?!

Posted by: desireless Thu, 28 Apr 2005 7:54 pm

Bar Bet
---------

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time ( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRAS."

Posted by: CP Thu, 28 Apr 2005 11:39 pm

After which I would like to remind those who haven't........

LAST 2 DAYS TO FILE YOUR TAX RETURNS!!!!!!

Posted by: CP Fri, 08 Jul 2005 9:21 pm

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome ... and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"





The moral of this story is.....
Always keep your condoms in your car.

Posted by: desireless Thu, 14 Jul 2005 7:26 pm

This one's for people who understands Hokkein.
===
One day, Ah Meng's grandpa was going home when he was suddenly hit in the head by a metal tin.

Grandpa called home from hospital and Ah Meng answered the phone. Ah Meng conveyed the message to his mother with eleven "gongs". Ah Meng's mother was perturbed... So ah Meng repeated:

"Gong-gong gong, gong gong gong-gong, gong-gong gong gong"
(Grandpa says, tin hit grandpa, and grandpa is giddy)

Posted by: CP Fri, 19 Aug 2005 5:28 pm

PERFORMANCE IN BED

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under

Bankers do it with interest

Computer technicians do it with hard drives

DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers

Engineers do it to specification (eg RF
engineers do it with frequency)
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way

Garbage men cum twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants pump all day

Housewives do it for an allowance

IT programmers cannot do it without software

Jockeys gallop hard but finish fast

Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Lawyers do it but never felt guilty

Mountain climbers like to be on top

Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate!

Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free

Truckers do it on the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places

Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!

But worst are those bloody politicians, all they do is talk
about it......

Posted by: goldrush Fri, 19 Aug 2005 7:12 pm

Hahahahahhaah

How about you cp?

As a contractor you do it on a contract basis under no cover(hot sun.... )

Posted by: CP Fri, 19 Aug 2005 9:24 pm

As a contractor I do it in Singapore to JB and some say Batam!!!

Posted by: goldrush Mon, 22 Aug 2005 11:10 pm

My Dog Named SEX



Everybody who owns dog give it a usual name like Lassie,RintinTin or Lucky

I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

Posted by: goldrush Fri, 23 Sep 2005 8:53 pm

Supermodels - Where's the runway..!!

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a supermodels' conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces:

'We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing-assume the brace position immediately!"
The three models start preparing for the worst.

Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What the hell are you doing fixing your face when we are about to crash!"
Claudia responds, "I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search for and save first, the ones with the best looking faces, which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh, which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, "Cindy, have you lost your senses?
Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?"

Cindy responds, "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with big beautiful breasts, which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle".

Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, "Naomi, are you crazy?
Why are you exposing your crutch for everyone to see?"
Calmly, Naomi responds, "Bitches, please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for is a black box!"

Posted by: desireless Wed, 12 Oct 2005 8:17 pm

Interesting........


Twenty Great One Liners:

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile.
(I tried - but they wanted cash.)

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books

Posted by: desireless Thu, 20 Oct 2005 5:36 pm

Letters Between An Old Couple
====================

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for thirty-two years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two months have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Florida together!

Have a great life!
Sincerely, Your Ex-Wife.

======================================================
Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for thirty-two years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week. The first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you now have the wonderful life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Sincerely, Rich As Hell and Free!

Posted by: top_view_ranchu Mon, 24 Oct 2005 12:16 pm

A man checked into a hotel in DELHI.There was a computer in his room,so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in MUMBAI, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages
from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:

To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: June 3, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and
you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to! seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P.S. It is damn hot down here !!!

Posted by: top_view_ranchu Tue, 25 Oct 2005 2:13 pm

Man must read.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either..but you get my drift

Posted by: desireless Sat, 19 Nov 2005 5:25 pm

Dear Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
DESPERATE




Reply:

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Posted by: desireless Tue, 07 Feb 2006 6:28 pm

Mandarin:

Paul Chan - Bankrupt
Anne Chang - Dirty
Faye Chen - Dusty
Anne Chin - Keep quiet
Henry Mah - Hate your mum
Jane Tan - Frying eggs
Nelson Tan - Bird laying eggs
Leslie Tong - Rubbish bin


Hokkien:
Carl Cheng - Buttock
Monica Cheng - Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow - You are dead
Suzie Leow - Lost till death
Lim Yew Lin - Drink urine
Lim Teh Peng - Drink iced tea
Danny See - Squeeze you to death
Corrine Tai - Poor fellow
Rosie Teng - Screws and nails
Carmen Tng - Leg hair long
Pete Tsai - Nose droppings


Cantonese:
Connie Mah - Call your mother
Macy Koh - Never die before
Micheal Tan - Sell eggs

Posted by: goldrush Wed, 15 Feb 2006 6:26 pm

Dog Named Mypenis


Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
-HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?
-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.

So anyone here going to take up that name?

Posted by: gohks Wed, 15 Feb 2006 6:39 pm

most funny joke I have come across..Dr, since this is a goldfish web, need to have something more goldfish related right Anyway, going to name one of my pet goldfish "Mypenis"...

Posted by: goldrush Wed, 15 Feb 2006 6:40 pm

Glossary of Medical Terms
Alternative Medical Terms

For those who are not medically inclined,the following may help in your understanding................

Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.

Posted by: CP Wed, 15 Feb 2006 9:40 pm

Wonder if the doc himself heard of this joke:


Patient:"Hey dentist, how much does it cost to have my tooth extracted?"
Dentist: "One hundred dollars."
Patient: "What??!! One hundred dollars for 5 seconds work??!!!!"
Dentist:"Oh, if that is the case, I can offer to pull it out very very slowly".

Posted by: desireless Thu, 16 Feb 2006 8:05 pm

...for all you chinese n humourous Catholics....and everyone who loves a laugh...

===

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them.

Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the debate. "To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Peh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Peh looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Peh pointed to the ground at where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Peh pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him what happened?. The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us." He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Peh. "What happened?" they asked.

Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving." "Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here." "Yes, and then???" asked the crowd. "I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"

Posted by: CP Mon, 13 Mar 2006 11:33 pm

Ever wondered why bra sizes are categorised A to F?

A - Airport
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

Posted by: desireless Wed, 15 Mar 2006 6:17 pm

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at her girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over there, and two claimed that he is still there.

Posted by: desireless Sat, 18 Mar 2006 12:48 am

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

Posted by: desireless Sat, 18 Mar 2006 12:50 am

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.

After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own.

After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead. (Masturbation)

Posted by: desireless Wed, 29 Mar 2006 3:45 am

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABCHospital.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them Rm.60 This happened several weeks in a row.

The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to findout?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. Sharilla Putrajaya charges Rm. 250, Mandarin Oriental charges Rm.280, Le Meridian charges Rm.230. We do it here for Rm.60, and I get that back from "Medical Claim".......!

Posted by: desireless Thu, 06 Apr 2006 2:47 am

In the heat of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

Then there was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him."

There was a hunter farther around the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich when he looked up.... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot that damned grizzly and have a proper lunch."

Now you probably think there has been enough activity by now, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot that damned bear and drop his cheese sandwich and lunch is free for me today."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this entire panoramic scene and thought (as was fashionable to do so on the banks of this particular lake around lunch me) "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ..then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he throws all caution to the wind and heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

In slow motion, the fish leaps up and swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear and drops his sandwich.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich and bolts... The cat makes his move and jumps for the mouse….



The mouse ducks...



The cat falls into the water and drowns.

And the moral of the story is:














Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is going to be in serious danger

Posted by: desireless Sun, 09 Apr 2006 4:13 am

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appearsto give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

" A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? "

Posted by: mountain Tue, 16 May 2006 9:19 pm

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could
manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it doc?
....
I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin -
in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let
it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and
taped it all together;.... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on
their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first;
no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ....."You're the first
too; Look at this, ... it's still in the CRATE!"

Posted by: CP Sun, 04 Jun 2006 7:17 pm

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one
of their first stops was the
breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the
first pen and there was a
sign attached that said, "This bull mated
50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in
the ribs and said,
"See .. He mated 50 times last year ...
once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a
sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab
and said, "That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from
him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a
sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365
times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly
broke her husband's ribs,
said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY
learn something from this
one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go
over and ask him if it was with
the same cow."

Posted by: desireless Sun, 20 Aug 2006 6:09 am

An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Posted by: gohks Wed, 30 Aug 2006 11:56 am

A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia..

He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the
hotel's coffee house.

A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him &
started a casual conversation.

Malaysian : "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?"

Singaporean : "Of course."

Malaysian : "We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into
croissants & sell them across to Singapore."

The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean
listened in silence.

Malaysian : "Do you eat the jam with the bread?"

Singaporean : "Of course."

Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a
container, recycle them, transform them into jam,..... before we sell
it across to Singapore."

This time, the Singaporean retorted : "Do you have sex in Malaysia?"

Malaysian : "Why, of course we do"

Singaporean : "Do you wear protection"

Malaysian : "Of course! We wear condoms."

Singaporean : "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Malaysian : "Stupid question ! Of course we throw them away."

Singaporean : "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts
them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum &
sell them across to Malaysia,... & that's the real reason why we
banned chewing gum in Singapore."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

not bad.................CHINGLISH

This is funny only us S'poreans can come up with this, even an Englishman
could not construct sentences using numeric...

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This was
what
he came up with... 1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But
the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to
5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab
some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run
away.
So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I called
my boss and say I am 6 . He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4
work. He also asked me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I am
so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

Posted by: desireless Tue, 06 Mar 2007 2:03 am

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."



The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"






(I love this part....)












"Only when he's been drinking."

Posted by: desireless Tue, 06 Mar 2007 2:27 am

Quite a stupid joke. No need to understand if you don't....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter One

One day, noodle quarrel with meat bao(bun).They had a fight but bao was too lumsy and lost badly. He was very angry and he told noodle to stay behind if he has the guts and he'll get his pals to assist him. Meat bao went to find bread, man tou, jian bao etc to get them to reinforce him. Along the way, they saw maggi mee. They ah bish ah bish ah bish and beat maggi mee up and maggi mee beri puzzled why he kena beaten up. He said, "Why u all beat me? What have I done to deserve this?" The meat bao said, "Noodle! Dun think u perm your hair then cannot recognise u!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Two

Maggi mee, who was beaten up for no reason, was very angry. So he went to find bee hoon, udon, fried noodles etc to seek revenge. But on the way, they met small bao. Maggi mee looked at small bao for a while then told his brothers, "Bra-der! Whack him!" Maggi mee! whack small bao harder &harder. Aft! er the noodles family has left, they asked Maggi Mee why he hated small bao so much and beat him up so badly. Maggi mee said. "At first wanna teach him a small lesson only, but then see him act cute, made me so angry."


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Three

The more small bao thought of it, the more buay song he was. So, he found the bao family to whack Maggi mee. Then they found ying shi juan (noodles covered with bun). They brought him back as hostage and were about to put him on the stove to force him to talk when the bao head said, "That's not noodles! That's our undercover!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Four

The family of bao and noodles are now enemies and they have gang fights whenever they see each other. One d! ay, the noodles family was having a walk when they saw char siew bao alone. Seeing the good chance, all of them attacked him. The noodles family shouted, "Beat him hard hard! Don't give chance just because he's vomiting blood!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Five

Poor char siew bao, with his injuries, went to the baoheadquarters to look for help. All the bao family was activated and together with red bean bao, green bean bun etc. they went to seek revenge. All the passerbys siam them as they look like they will kill. They saw french fries jalan jalan along, shopping. The bao family attacked him. The bao head shouted, "Noodle people still wear gold go shopping! Whack him!!!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Six

Finally, the bao family manage to kidnap noodle, the one who started up the whole show, and brought him back to the baoheadquarter. All the baos took turns to whack him. At the end, the chief of baos - dua bah bao took a final roll over noodle before they dump him. When the poor noodle finally went home, none of the family member could recognise him bcoz he is totally disfigured - flatten. In order not to let the family bear the bad name, he appears as a new member named Mee Pok.



*THE END*

Posted by: desireless Tue, 26 Jun 2007 5:16 pm

Before the marriage :

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She : Do you want me to leave ?
He : NO ! Don't even think about it.
She : Do you love me ?
He : Of course !
She : Have you ever cheated on m e?
He : NO! Why you even ask ?
She : Will you kiss me ?
He : Yes !
She : Will you hit me ?
He : No way ! I'm not such kind of person !
She : Can I trust you ?

After the marriage, you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!

Posted by: desireless Fri, 27 Jul 2007 8:50 pm

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs has Mr in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

TRUTH IS ...
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...... Why?



BECAUSE HOME SWEET HOME.

Posted by: goldrush Fri, 27 Jul 2007 9:58 pm

Wah if you are HOME ALONE......you must be doing it by yourself

and if you are HOME AWAY FROM HOME....you must be hanky pankying with someone else

looks like we have alot of HOME WORK to do












Let's go for aaaaaaaaaaaa HOME RUN..............

Posted by: CP Wed, 17 Oct 2007 9:35 pm

Living in 2007


YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Posted by: CP Tue, 18 Dec 2007 1:15 pm

The Maid asked for a raise.

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'The Master said so.'
Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?'

Maria: 'The Master did.'
Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'

Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!

Posted by: CP Wed, 12 Mar 2008 10:35 pm

Some Malaysian jokes to help those who have yet to recover from the shocking results of Malaysian General election 2008:




1. Pak Lah, Najib and Samy Vellu were together in a helicopter doing some patrolling.
Samy Vellu says, "If I throw $1000 down there, the one who picks it up must be very happy."
Najib says, "If I throw two pieces of $500 notes down there, there will be two people who will be very happy."
Pak Lah says, "If I throw ten pieces of $100 notes down there, there will be ten people who will be very happy."

At this time, the helicopter pilot mumbles to himself, "Why not throw yourselves down there, and let 21 million people be very happy?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. Samy Vellu hopes to improve his reputation by releasing a series of stamps with his picture on them. After more than a month, Sami Vellu wanted to see how was the stamps sales like.

Samy Vellu: How is the sales?
Head of postal service: Not bad, just that there are complaints that the stamps don't stick tightly enough.
Samy Vellu: How can that be?

Samy Vellu takes a stamp, applies some saliva on its back and tries to stick it to an envelope.

Samy Vellu: Doesn't it stick tightly that way?
Head of postal service: But...everyone...spat their saliva on the front side...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. Late at night, Najib went to buy supper. On his way, he met a robber.
The robber pointed his gun to Najib and says, "Hand me all your money!"
Najib says angrily, "What kind of attitude is this? I'm the deputy prime minister!"
The robber says, "Oh, then....hand me back MY money."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. One day, the prime minister, parliment members and other officials were on their way to attend a conference by car. A chain accident happened and all of them were sent to the hospital. Many reporters rushed to the hospital.

After a while, the doctor came out of the emergency room. A reporter asked, "Doctor! Doctor! Can the prime minister be saved?"
The doctor shook his head saying, "Sigh...the prime minister can't be saved..."
The reporter asked, "Doctor! Doctor! Can Najib be saved?"
The doctor again shook his head saying, "Sigh...he too can't be saved..."
The reporter then asked, "Then....who can be saved?"
The doctor says cheerfully, "Malaysia can be saved!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. One day Samy Vellu went to a mental hospital for an official visit. All the patients cheered along the corridor, "Long live Samy Vellu! Long live Samy Vellu!"
Only one patient had no expression on his face, ignoring Samy Vellu completely.
Samy Vellu saw him and asked the hospital chief, "Why is that patient not cheering for me?"
The hospital chief replied, "That's because his mental health is very normal."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. An election campaign vehicle was carrying Samy Vellu and his election team to a village for a rally. Unfortunately, the vehicle overturned on a road leading up to the hills. A farmer who was working nearby saw the incident and quickly rushed over, but all the people on the vehicle were dead. So, he digged a hole and buried the politicians.

After a few days, a policeman in charge of investigating the accident found the farmer. He asked the farmer where the politicians were. The farmer told him that they were buried.

The policeman asked immediately, "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Hmm...I saw Samy Vellu yelling at me that he wasn't dead yet when I buried him."
The policeman asked, "Then why did you bury him?"
The farmer said, "You should have known better. This Samy Vellu never tells the truth."

Posted by: CP Tue, 15 Jul 2008 10:48 pm

Why did the olympics torch skip the singapore leg?


















Too many ERP gantries!

Posted by: LASERGUY Tue, 28 Oct 2008 12:38 pm

5 minute management course:

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800
he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
with your shareholders in time, you may be
in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk,
and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to
be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like
you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very
high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed
the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied
the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

Posted by: CP Sat, 22 Aug 2009 4:19 pm

*Men's Pearls of Wisdom*





*1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big penis or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.*

*2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.*

*3. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' *

*4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.*

*5. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.*

*6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.*

*7. Virginity can be cured.*

*8. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. *

*9. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.*

*10. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

*11.Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.*

*12. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.*

*13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......*

*14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man*s life ? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.*

*15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.*

*16. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!*

Posted by: LASERGUY Fri, 23 Oct 2009 7:07 pm

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into
a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a
room every! one says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24"stomach, and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God...... "