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desireless
An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
gohks
A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia..

He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the
hotel's coffee house.

A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him &
started a casual conversation.

Malaysian : "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?"

Singaporean : "Of course."

Malaysian : "We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into
croissants & sell them across to Singapore."

The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean
listened in silence.

Malaysian : "Do you eat the jam with the bread?"

Singaporean : "Of course."

Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a
container, recycle them, transform them into jam,..... before we sell
it across to Singapore."

This time, the Singaporean retorted : "Do you have sex in Malaysia?"

Malaysian : "Why, of course we do"

Singaporean : "Do you wear protection"

Malaysian : "Of course! We wear condoms."

Singaporean : "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Malaysian : "Stupid question ! Of course we throw them away."

Singaporean : "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts
them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum &
sell them across to Malaysia,... & that's the real reason why we
banned chewing gum in Singapore." good_very.gif

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

not bad.................CHINGLISH

This is funny only us S'poreans can come up with this, even an Englishman
could not construct sentences using numeric...

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This was
what
he came up with... 1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But
the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to
5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab
some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run
away.
So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I called
my boss and say I am 6 . He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4
work. He also asked me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I am
so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1. beg2.gif
desireless
WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."



The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"






(I love this part....)












"Only when he's been drinking."
desireless
Quite a stupid joke. No need to understand if you don't.... ohmy.gif
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter One

One day, noodle quarrel with meat bao(bun).They had a fight but bao was too lumsy and lost badly. He was very angry and he told noodle to stay behind if he has the guts and he'll get his pals to assist him. Meat bao went to find bread, man tou, jian bao etc to get them to reinforce him. Along the way, they saw maggi mee. They ah bish ah bish ah bish and beat maggi mee up and maggi mee beri puzzled why he kena beaten up. He said, "Why u all beat me? What have I done to deserve this?" The meat bao said, "Noodle! Dun think u perm your hair then cannot recognise u!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Two

Maggi mee, who was beaten up for no reason, was very angry. So he went to find bee hoon, udon, fried noodles etc to seek revenge. But on the way, they met small bao. Maggi mee looked at small bao for a while then told his brothers, "Bra-der! Whack him!" Maggi mee! whack small bao harder &harder. Aft! er the noodles family has left, they asked Maggi Mee why he hated small bao so much and beat him up so badly. Maggi mee said. "At first wanna teach him a small lesson only, but then see him act cute, made me so angry."


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Three

The more small bao thought of it, the more buay song he was. So, he found the bao family to whack Maggi mee. Then they found ying shi juan (noodles covered with bun). They brought him back as hostage and were about to put him on the stove to force him to talk when the bao head said, "That's not noodles! That's our undercover!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Four

The family of bao and noodles are now enemies and they have gang fights whenever they see each other. One d! ay, the noodles family was having a walk when they saw char siew bao alone. Seeing the good chance, all of them attacked him. The noodles family shouted, "Beat him hard hard! Don't give chance just because he's vomiting blood!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Five

Poor char siew bao, with his injuries, went to the baoheadquarters to look for help. All the bao family was activated and together with red bean bao, green bean bun etc. they went to seek revenge. All the passerbys siam them as they look like they will kill. They saw french fries jalan jalan along, shopping. The bao family attacked him. The bao head shouted, "Noodle people still wear gold go shopping! Whack him!!!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Six

Finally, the bao family manage to kidnap noodle, the one who started up the whole show, and brought him back to the baoheadquarter. All the baos took turns to whack him. At the end, the chief of baos - dua bah bao took a final roll over noodle before they dump him. When the poor noodle finally went home, none of the family member could recognise him bcoz he is totally disfigured - flatten. In order not to let the family bear the bad name, he appears as a new member named Mee Pok.



*THE END*
desireless
Before the marriage :

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She : Do you want me to leave ?
He : NO ! Don't even think about it.
She : Do you love me ?
He : Of course !
She : Have you ever cheated on m e?
He : NO! Why you even ask ?
She : Will you kiss me ?
He : Yes !
She : Will you hit me ?
He : No way ! I'm not such kind of person !
She : Can I trust you ?

After the marriage, you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!
desireless
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs has Mr in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

TRUTH IS ...
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...... Why?



BECAUSE HOME SWEET HOME. hysterical.gif
goldrush
Wah if you are HOME ALONE......you must be doing it by yourself biggrin.gif

and if you are HOME AWAY FROM HOME....you must be hanky pankying with someone else blush.gif

looks like we have alot of HOME WORK to do wacko.gif












Let's go for aaaaaaaaaaaa HOME RUN.............. happydance1.gif happydance1.gif happydance1.gif
CP
Living in 2007


YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
CP
The Maid asked for a raise.

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'The Master said so.'
Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?'

Maria: 'The Master did.'
Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'

Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!
CP
Some Malaysian jokes to help those who have yet to recover from the shocking results of Malaysian General election 2008:




1. Pak Lah, Najib and Samy Vellu were together in a helicopter doing some patrolling.
Samy Vellu says, "If I throw $1000 down there, the one who picks it up must be very happy."
Najib says, "If I throw two pieces of $500 notes down there, there will be two people who will be very happy."
Pak Lah says, "If I throw ten pieces of $100 notes down there, there will be ten people who will be very happy."

At this time, the helicopter pilot mumbles to himself, "Why not throw yourselves down there, and let 21 million people be very happy?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. Samy Vellu hopes to improve his reputation by releasing a series of stamps with his picture on them. After more than a month, Sami Vellu wanted to see how was the stamps sales like.

Samy Vellu: How is the sales?
Head of postal service: Not bad, just that there are complaints that the stamps don't stick tightly enough.
Samy Vellu: How can that be?

Samy Vellu takes a stamp, applies some saliva on its back and tries to stick it to an envelope.

Samy Vellu: Doesn't it stick tightly that way?
Head of postal service: But...everyone...spat their saliva on the front side...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. Late at night, Najib went to buy supper. On his way, he met a robber.
The robber pointed his gun to Najib and says, "Hand me all your money!"
Najib says angrily, "What kind of attitude is this? I'm the deputy prime minister!"
The robber says, "Oh, then....hand me back MY money."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. One day, the prime minister, parliment members and other officials were on their way to attend a conference by car. A chain accident happened and all of them were sent to the hospital. Many reporters rushed to the hospital.

After a while, the doctor came out of the emergency room. A reporter asked, "Doctor! Doctor! Can the prime minister be saved?"
The doctor shook his head saying, "Sigh...the prime minister can't be saved..."
The reporter asked, "Doctor! Doctor! Can Najib be saved?"
The doctor again shook his head saying, "Sigh...he too can't be saved..."
The reporter then asked, "Then....who can be saved?"
The doctor says cheerfully, "Malaysia can be saved!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. One day Samy Vellu went to a mental hospital for an official visit. All the patients cheered along the corridor, "Long live Samy Vellu! Long live Samy Vellu!"
Only one patient had no expression on his face, ignoring Samy Vellu completely.
Samy Vellu saw him and asked the hospital chief, "Why is that patient not cheering for me?"
The hospital chief replied, "That's because his mental health is very normal."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. An election campaign vehicle was carrying Samy Vellu and his election team to a village for a rally. Unfortunately, the vehicle overturned on a road leading up to the hills. A farmer who was working nearby saw the incident and quickly rushed over, but all the people on the vehicle were dead. So, he digged a hole and buried the politicians.

After a few days, a policeman in charge of investigating the accident found the farmer. He asked the farmer where the politicians were. The farmer told him that they were buried.

The policeman asked immediately, "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Hmm...I saw Samy Vellu yelling at me that he wasn't dead yet when I buried him."
The policeman asked, "Then why did you bury him?"
The farmer said, "You should have known better. This Samy Vellu never tells the truth."
CP
Why did the olympics torch skip the singapore leg?


















Too many ERP gantries! hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif
LASERGUY
5 minute management course:

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800
he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
with your shareholders in time, you may be
in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk,
and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to
be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like
you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very
high up.

Lesson 5


A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed
the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied
the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there..

Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

CP
*Men's Pearls of Wisdom*





*1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big penis or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.*

*2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.*

*3. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' *

*4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.*

*5. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.*

*6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.*

*7. Virginity can be cured.*

*8. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. *

*9. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.*

*10. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

*11.Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.*

*12. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.*

*13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......*

*14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man*s life ? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.*

*15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.*

*16. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!*
LASERGUY
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into
a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a
room every! one says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24"stomach, and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God...... " hysterical.gif
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