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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."

"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass
is almost a foot tall."
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with
a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?" "Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more
than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled

A man spoke frantically into the phone,

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions to you!!!"
The first one's a killer man, really rocks! good_very.gif
A radio station in Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing
moments in listeners lives. The following are the Final four place getters:

4th place
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy
& started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust &
annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now,
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye & said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!".
The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they
were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity & walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter."

3rd place
"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out
for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after
making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give
her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on & a whole crowd of
people yelled "SURPRISE!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins &
all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend & I were frozen to the spot in a state of
shock & embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has
planned a surprise party again."

2nd place
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she
learned that one of the items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system & boomed out for
all the store to hear. "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough,
but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks".
In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system:

This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year. In a biology lecture, a
professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshman,
raised her hand & asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen,
as in sugar?"
"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data. Raising her hand
again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red & as
she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books &
without a word walked out of the class & never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question,
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue &
not in the back of your throat!"
Well if you feel guilty about those junk food.. This may help

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster.Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is ! getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets. Now go have a biscuit...flour is a veggie!
Poetry Championship #1

I am Ong Ah Bee living in Kampong Chai Chee
Life used to be simple and HAPPY
I worked hard in my STUDIES
I learned A-B-C, and everything from 1, 2, and 3.
Primary school was quite easy
I passed PSLE

Then I went to SECONDARY
The subjects include HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY
Physics, Biology and CHEMISTRY
After O levels I went to JC
I was quite LUCKY

This is a small humid tropical COUNTRY
Surrounded by unknown potential ENEMIES
Boys turned 18 must go to ARMY
After that we may continue our Studies
The girls can just sit back, relax, and watch TV
They come to this world only to "Chia Liao Bi"

No one lives on free meals or depends on CHARITY
I had no money to go to University or Poly
So I went to work at a FACTORY
Trying to earn a little lousy SALARY
I have just enough money to buy ROTI and ride in MRT.

Colleagues at work used to be FRIENDLY
Always treat me to tea and COFFEE
Somehow they turned FISHY
Passing bad remarks about me
Telling everybody I am LAZY.

My bosses show me no SYMPATHY
Mumbling over my shoulder daily : "HURRY, HURRY and HURRY !"
Accusing me of always trying to get MC
But my sickness was due to over stretch OT
Going home after midnight by TAXI and
They pay me only bus fee

I Park-Tor and became STEADY
Finally had to MARRY
I lost money holding Wedding Dinner PARTY
Cheeky friends donating only cheap PANTY
After marriage, nothing was EASY

In one year, I became DADDY
I can't support my family and our BABY
Being tied down for life to repay HDB and
rising monthly utilities to PUB
My bank account has NO MONEY
POSB balance is almost EMPTY
DBS wants to charge me EXTRA FEE
Insisting that "Nothing is FREE!"
So I moonlight as KARANG GUNI

Many times I want to jump into the sea to MATI
But that is not EASY
My wife cries: "Who is going to support me and our BABY?"
So I can't MATI .
Tips for Job interview...

IPB Image
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied: "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir," he asked the second man.
"Hmm... let me see... A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea" he said.
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." he said. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shiiiit in my pants!"
: Modern Love Letter

This is an interesting love letter ....
Dearest Girl :

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 03th of April 2001. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 31st of March 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months & depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training & relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us, later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this >>letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice & I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer . Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely,



Dear Boy :

Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance. However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance.Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous. I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards. Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP' shall be entertaining. In addition, housing & transport allowances should be in order & nothing less than a luxury condo & a Jag are in order. Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest. Please also note that my sister is happily employed.

Yours perhaps,

Don't Buy Pirated Goods:

My children... please clap and sing along with me....
> >
> > All you have to do is be:
> > 1. a friend
> > 2. a companion
> > 3. a lover
> > 4. a brother
> > 5. a father figure
> > 6. a teacher
> > 7. an educator
> > 8. a cook
> > 9. a gardener
> > 10. a carpenter
> > 11. a driver
> > 12. an engineer
> > 13. a mechanic
> > 14. an interior decorator
> > 15. a stylist
> > 16. a sex therapist
> > 17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
> > 18. a psychologist
> > 19. a psychiatrist
> > 20. a therapist
> > 21. a good father
> > 22. a gentleman
> > 23. well organized
> > 24. tidy
> > 25. very clean
> > 26. athletic
> > 27. affectionate
> > 28. affable
> > 29. attentive
> > 30. ambitious
> > 31. amenable
> > 32. articulate
> > 33. bold
> > 34. brave
> > 35. creative
> > 36. courageous
> > 37. complimentary
> > 38. capable
> > 39. decisive
> > 40. intelligent
> > 41. imaginative
> > 42. interesting
> > 43. prudent
> > 44. patient
> > 45. polite
> > 46. passionate
> > 47. respectful
> > 48. sweet
> > 49. strong
> > 50. skillful
> > 51. supportive
> > 52. sympathetic
> > 53. tolerant
> > 54. understanding
> > 55. someone who loves shopping
> > 56. someone who doesn't make problems
> > 57. someone who never looks at other women
> > 58. very rich
> > neither jealous nor disinterested 60. get on well with her family, but
> > don't spend more time with them than with her
> > 61. give her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes
> > 62. Not forget the dates of:
> > * Anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
> > * Graduation
> > * Birthday
> > * Menstruation
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Let him play with your boobs.
Mr Singh to Salesman : I want curtains for my computer.

Salesman: But Sir, computers dont need curtains.

Mr Singh: Helloooooooooooooooo, my computer has WINDOWS!!!!
Arab met Chinese and said "I have 10 kids. 1 more and I will have a football team!!"

Chinese replied "I have 17 wives, 1 more and I have my own golf course, 18 HOLES."
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