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You Singaporeans are way too serious about green water!

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GREEN AND COLD - What CNN Didn't Tell You

IT all started when the red army fired Saw Zai from his day job at the firing range. Needing money to feed his numerous and strange collection of Osaka Ranchus, Saw Zai responded to the Mandai Zoo's call for a new Polar Bear keeper. "I ever work with Professor Kawai at the Pet Safari in Simi Mall!" He got the job.

Saw Zai quickly settles down in the new job. "Uncle Thiam said Japanese Ranchus are good because they live in four seasons; spring, summer, autumn, and Christmas. But my abode doesn't even have air conditioning leh. Luckily my new job is like Christmas everyday. From now on, I will keep my Osaka Ranchus with my bear bear when I go to work. They'll follow me home after work. They are so lucky to experience four seasons everyday! They will be super Japanese Ranchus! "

Needless to say Saw Zai, as a hardcore RafflesGoldian, was quick to convert the bear's pond to cultivate green water. "According to hor, that's the best filtration so I must have it too lor." Within days, the normally icy cold and crystal clear water turned intense green. "I must go back to and participate in the poll and vote box no. 6!".

We ask Saw Zai how he managed to keep the bear's den squeaky clean and free of odour. "Oh, no need to collect and bag my bear bear's poos in plastic bags to discard at the dust bin. Waste time! All I need to do is dump them in the pond; they work great in upping the ammonia level instantly!" "What's the pH, sir?” asked our reporter. "Eh, watch your language hor; don't use the F word in front of me, okay?!"

Knowing that he needs to change water at least once every 4 months (yes, sometimes Saw Zai hangs out at, Saw Zai decided to train his bear bear to perform this tedious task for him. "They're quite smart and love to swim in the green water pond together with me and my Osaka Ranchus. I taught them how to use a hose to suck out the water! Their furry paws, I tell you, is the best kind of 'sponge' to wipe algae off the side walls and floor too!"

While Saw Zai's continues to groom his prized Osaka Ranchus in the cold, green and gold pond, he started noticing something strange. His bear bear was beginning to look a lot like the Incredible Hulk! "Stupid Ann Lee. No need to use special Hollywood makeup; just rent Singapore's own polar bear for the film!"

One day, the zoo's management received an unsigned anonymous email from tipping them off that Saw Zai is once again doing his crazy stunt at work. They decided to check on Saw Zai, and were shock to find an Incredible Hulk in the Polar Bear's Den! "Fcuk you lah. Who cares about the Incredible Hulk. Give us Spider Man, you idiot!"

Ignoring management's cry for a better marketing tool, Saw Zai decided to email the San Diego Zoo for more polar bears. "Hello, I'm from Singapore. You all got more Polar Bears? My boss has bought over another four football fields of wasteland to make way for a bigger bear pond, and so I need more Ammonia!! Gimme gimme gimme."

Fortunately for polar bears around the globe, another user of who works in the Emerald City Zoo and getting ready to cultivate her own greenwater at home rejected Saw Zai's demand.    She faxed a note to her colleague at the San Diego Zoo “I need those polar bears' poos too. Let's keep our shit where they belong; in the United States of America!!”   

Pissed off over his American counter-part's seemingly selfish but patriotic decision, Saw Zai decided to call CNN to launch Plan B. “I'll make sure sis kingyoo's plan to use bears' poos to cultivate green water fail.” After a short and swift brainstorming with his best bosom buddy Hun Seiko, Saw Zai decided on his plan. “I will tell CNN that, KNN, those algae cultivated using bears' poo is of the wrong strain. Real green water should be neon green in color!” “But how do you plan to get the correct neon green water, Mr. Zai?” “Simple, just log in and read up all the “how to” posts at They are very informative. Kekeke.”

When the news broke out, was swamp by more visitors then ever did and has since closed down due to persistent "Exceeded Bandwidth" error, but not before Kingyoo successfully spa her goldfish in neon green water. Saw Zai quit his job at the zoo and has set up his own advisory and sales web site at, appropriately name Green and Cold – the Merlion Goldfish Club, Telok Kurau Branch, selling his Osaka Ranchus at very competitive prices, shipped worldwide.

It's all thanks but no thanks to and for misleading the world at large about Green Water! Unfortunately, the saga continues at Saw Zai's Green and Cold.

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